Ever had that moment where you drop, say, a £5/£10/£20 note, or a bit of paper with some really important information on it, and you bend down frantically to pick it up, but the wind plays games with you and keeps on pushing it further away? You end up engaged in some farcical game of repeatedly bending down to catch what you want so badly, running forward a few steps, bending again, and sighing with frustration before you eventually grasp the thing you’re chasing, or admit defeat and let the wind carry it away.
That’s what working towards having a family feels like for me.
I’ve wanted to become a mother for many years and have a family of my own. I feel closer to this family dream than I have ever done before, but it still, still seems so frustratingly far away.
I’m no crazy baby lady (but I AM a crazy cat lady 😉 ), and I see the value of living my life now, for me, and believe me, every waking moment is not consumed by thoughts of babies. But it’s always there in the background, that lingering longing for a family of my own. It sits right alongside the fear of giving up much of the freedom, independence and, I guess, selfish lifestyle that I have right now. I visualise the idea of being a mother, of having a family with my partner, and I wonder/worry what that will mean for my identity, for the me I’ve finally become happy with, and proud of. But for all the doubts and questions I have, I still know that it’s what I want and I would never want to miss the opportunity to try for a family of my own.
But when? I still can’t see when it will happen. My partner and I have discussed this and we are both in agreement that we want the same thing. I don’t nag or cry at my partner about my longing for a family. I’ve been there and it doesn’t work.
Still, we both wait for the right time. There are still things we both want to achieve, together and individually. But then, people say there’s never a right time, don’t they? I just hope that when we both decide that it’s not the right time, but that equally it’s not the wrong time, that we can finally both bend down and grasp that dream before the wind carries it away.